Light in darkness, my testimony

on September 13, 2017

I don't share this for sympathy or to feel sorry for, but rather to share with you all that without all my hurtful, painful and traumatizing experiences in my short 25 yrs of life (most of which aren't stated here) I wouldn't be the person I am today. God has shown me that my upbringing isn't my destiny and He has given me more understanding and patience than I even know what to do with when it comes to my mom. Everything I've see in life has given me growth to sow different seeds than I was harvested from and I'm learning that that's OKAY.

Deep breath....  

22 yrs ago my parents divorced and I was too little to understand.

20 yrs ago I was watching my parents divorce get dirtier and dirtier. Spending countless hours watching them fight over me resulted in them buying me 'things' to make me love one of them more. They were fighting over me but never devoting time to me, to teach me about life and just encourage me to be a child. I was cooking for myself by the time I was 8 and watching over myself when my sister couldn't take care of me.

9 yrs ago I bounced around trying to figure out what parents home was "home" but neither felt like it.

7 yrs ago I found out my mom was in a abusive relationship when her boyfriend pulled a gun on her right in front of me. I found out later that night that her head was being used to mop her bathroom tub and she had multiple knives held to her throat by a man I thought loved her. My guilt was overwhelming and still is at times, I slept in the room right next to her, we shared a wall separating our rooms and I never heard a thing. He went to prison and she never stopped loving him...

6 yrs ago I left California to go to college as far away as I could get from all this craziness.

4 yrs ago I moved back home to take a job I never imagined could ever end up as toxic and disgusting as it did. It was in the years I worked there that I very much learned that money isn't the source of happiness.

2 yrs ago my mom was taken away by police on a 5150 and placed in a psychiatric ward where I found out she was a meth addict and had been for over 10yrs.

A year and a half ago I found out that my mom married this man while he was in prison, didn't tell anyone and weeks later didn't remember doing it.

That's when I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this world to help my mom and turned my heart to God.

My world was crashing on me. Literally the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I never knew who or what God was all about, but in these years of hurt, doubt and not feeling loved I learned so so much.

My life was forced on hold while I traveled daily to see her in mental institutions. Some days she was so medicated she would fall asleep in her food right in front of me, other days she would scream at me for putting her there and curse at me and call me vulgar names and few- very very few times she would hold a normal conversation with me and we would hug.

On release of her first hospital I told the dr that she didn't seem okay to come home and I was scared. She was being readmitted and had asked to use the restroom, but she ran away instead. I ended up at the police filing for a missing person. At that moment in time nothing was worse than that police station visit- Knowing that your mom had no money, no ID, no phone, no laces on her shoes (psych ward protocol) and was nowhere near home. Then 'a friend' called and said she was with her and I came to pick her up. I later found out this 'friend' was her dealer and my mom relapsed.

She went in and out of multiple hospitals, most of which I had to physically drag her to my car and hold her seatbelt fastened while I drove because the voices in her head would tell her to jump out of my car while I was driving. When she would come home I would deal with her curled in a balls crying her eyes out saying people were using lasers to torture her in her head, that they were poisoning her food and worried that they were going to get me at night and rape me. She wouldn't talk to me without listening to what the voices had to say first and they seemed to control her thoughts

She ended up checking into a rehab facility a year ago but she only lasted there 2 weeks before I found her climbing over the balcony and into her room one day with a sheet-bag holding all her stuff from her room there.

As of today I'm 50% sure she has relapsed and I'm 50% sure she suffers from psychosis. Both are terrifying. Both break my heart. Both I pray to God about.

In these years of absolute chaos and imbalance, I thank God that he has kept my head on decently straight; He got me out of a toxic job and gave me a healthy one, He blessed me with an absolutely amazing man that has shown me what the love for Christ is all about, He has shown me love I never knew existed, He has blessed me with the guidance to get to know Him more and turn my heart and problems to Him, He has blessed me with the opportunity to meet so many amazing people over something as silly as social media and He has blessed me with this little business of painting bibles for each of you.

I love my mom dearly, and watching her struggle breaks my heart. I ask for prayer in this time while she figures her life out, I pray that she turns her heart to God and is able to see His love shine bright in the darkness.

 

I encourage every single one of you, no matter what your upbringing may be to trust in Jesus and reap what you sow. Life is so much more than pain and hurt.

My mama and I on her 50th when she was 3 weeks clean last year.

 

18 comments
by Mesha on January 21, 2019

I am sorry you have to go through this. It is a very hard and emotional thing. I was listening to this song today and I quickly learned while reading your blog, that it was meant for me to share it with you today.
In the song it stated, “it may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You. This is how I fight my battles”
I believe God can and will redeem your mother. I am standing in the gap for her, in prayer. Nothing is too impossible for God. No one is too far gone that He can not touch and transform by His love.

by Allison Zilberman on January 20, 2019

Oh my gosh wow, Jackie. You are such a strong, inspiring soul. I am in awe in you. You are so admirable. Also, you and your mom look SO much alike- so pretty!! Keep hanging in there, I can’t even imagine what that is like. I am so happy you found God and your wonderful husband♥️

by Sofia on January 20, 2019

Your testimony is beautiful, the way that God works in you and through you is beautiful. I know what it is like to grow up with a mother fighting with mental illness. And, being a Christian, you know that mental illness is just a name that science gives to strongholds and torment from the enemy. God bless you and your mother so very much, there is nothing that God can’t do, keep on praying to break those bondages and keep on giving love!

by Savanah on November 29, 2018

You seriously are amazing i’m going through so much right now… and this shows me that God really does come through and will help in the end i just have to be patient and wait for him to show me what i need to do thank you so much!!!!!!!

by Sadie J Dickson on November 29, 2018

I am praying that the God of healing touches your mother. May the Holy Spirit guide you!!

by Pam on November 29, 2018

I am so inspired by your story and your ability to turn things around. You should be SO proud of yourself, and I know God is too!

by Reagan on January 23, 2018

Wow you are such an inspiration to me! You have had some very tough times in your life but in the end you found God and you seem like such a holy person and I just want you to know that I am praying for you and your mom. Never forget how much God loves you❤️

by Ely on January 23, 2018

God bless you jackie! And may God you give you the strength and peace. You are strong for sharing your testimony with us. I am praying for you and your beautiful mother! (Yall look so much alike) <3

by Alexis on January 23, 2018

Praise the lord! For the relationship you have with him, your mother is in my prayers❤️ Thank you for sharing this and encouraging so many. Reading your story made me think back on mine and reminded me to pray over it all no matter how hard moments were❤️

by Helen Nelson on January 23, 2018

I truly enjoyed reading your testimony. I hope that I can love God as much as you do and continue to praise him in times of struggle and happiness as you have done as well. I don’t know how I came across your Instagram account, but I did and it has given me the drive to read scripture. I’m a newly saved Christian, and reading your testimony was really inspiring. Prayers for your mother!

by Helen Nelson on January 23, 2018

I truly enjoyed reading your testimony. I hope that I can love God as much as you do and continue to praise him in times of struggle and happiness as you have done as well. I don’t know how I came across your Instagram account, but I did and it has given me the drive to read scripture. I’m a newly saved Christian, and reading your testimony was really inspiring. Prayers for your mother!

by Chris on January 23, 2018

This just really touched my heart. That’s all there is to say. Thank you.

by Lynn on January 23, 2018

Love you. Praying for your mama.
Your strength through all this is encouraging.
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by Mercy Ochoa on January 22, 2018

Sending you prayers. Thank you for sharing your testimony and sharing God’s work through you.

by Melissa on January 22, 2018

Wow! This is so powerful. I admire your courage to share this. God bless you and your mom.

by Courtney Warren on December 29, 2017

Will absolutely be praying for your mom! What a beautiful testimony!

by Janine Martin on December 19, 2017

Ever since I came about your page on Instagram, I have been secretly obsessed with you and your beautiful bibles. It is so beautiful for you to share your story with all of us and I thank you for that. I married a wonderful man who has also guided me towards Jesus Christ and I love him for that.
Thank you for all that you do and the positivity you share with us all. My prayers are with you and your mama.

by Sarah Edwards on December 09, 2017

Bless you! God pulled me from the pit and gave me a firm place to stand! Sober14 yrs! Praise God! Praying for you and your mama!
Love, Sarah

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